Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Chase, Reversed

I've been on hiatus from romance. Mostly by choice, though nobody has really been beating down my door to intrude on my state of singlehood. Which, I guess is one part of the problem I've had with dating over the last few years. I don't feel like my door has been knocked on very hard, I've been doing most of the knocking. I had the good fortune to lunch with an old friend yesterday, someone who knows me well and has been in my life in several capacities. His advice was this "You don't take relationships casually, it's just not who you are, and it's great that you recognize that about yourself. However, you should focus on being the fascinating person you are, not on being a girlfriend." So true, and so in line with my recent realizations: I want to be my wonderful self, not somebody else's wonderful girlfriend.

As to the beginning stages of relationships, here's my latest resolution: I'm not going to pursue men anymore. If I'm always the initiator and the aggressor, I struggle to believe that they're as interested in me as I am in them. I want to believe that whenever I get involved with someone that they really want to be around me. They should want to call me up and see how my day was, invite me over for movies, come over to my place for dinner...I should not be the one making all of those invitations. Without pursuit on their end, it's just stress and misery on mine. It's time for me to give the guys out there a chance to make those invitations without any pressure from me. It's also time to let go of all those thoughts running inside my head about who may or may not be lingering on my romantic horizons and what I may or may not do about them if they are, in fact, going to make a move. Regardless of some potentially "I'm interested in you" behavior by a few of the men I know, all mouths are mum on the subject - fine. If they're interested, they'll just have to do something about it. I'm done chasing these men down. It's time to let go again and fly in the wind for a while; it's time to be chased instead of chasing. Because, dammit, I'm worth a little chasing.

Three good things
1. I have a lot to keep me occupied in being my fantastic self.
2. Quitting the 'guessing game' about the motives of others has a certain air of empowerment.
3. It's flattering to be pursued; I think I'll enjoy feeling flattered again.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I just got home from yoga *bliss*

Ahem, that is, it would be bliss if I could actually walk. That's right folks, I'm on the injured list. I can happily say that yoga was not the cause of my pain, because I would hate to not be able to do yoga.

I woke up today with a pretty major pain in my hip; the very same hip which was hurt in the car accident. It's been doing well, I have no clue where this sudden pain came from. I'm considering accusing Brad, the person who's car I was riding in during the accident, of contaminating me with his hip pain ;) He's dealing with it on a far more frequent and intense level than I am, which is really awful. I feel like now I have a little window into his daily life, and it's certainly a window I could have done without.

After limping my way through all the standing poses in yoga tonight, I hobbled to my car, drove home, hobbled up the 3 flights of stairs to my abode, limped up the spiral staircase to my bedroom, and am now happily ensconced in bed with a heated blanket. Soothing. Nevermind that I can't even move my leg around under the covers right now. Yowchie! I'm sure I'll break this reverie by needing to hobble back down to my kitchen and feed myself soon enough, but I'm going to enjoy not moving for now.

Three good things:
1. I still have ONE painkiller left from the accident.
2. Thank goodness for heated blankets.
3. I have an excuse to wear ugly but comfortable shoes to work tomorrow...this is almost a bad thing, since y'all know how I love my pretty shoes...but I'm counting it as a good thing tonight.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Single on Valentin'es Day

Most of the time, this would be a depressing post...who wants to be single on the "most romantic day of the year?" However, I find that I'm ok without romance today. Perhaps it stems from the general feeling of satisfaction with my current status. I don't feel compelled to make any great rushes or leaps of romantic gallantry. I'd rather contine putting one foot in front of the other with care and thoughtfullness, being appreciative of the present moment instead of chasing a future dream-scape. I've cultivated a lot of joy in my life and that bouy's me. Of course, I miss the closeness and the thrill of romance, but I'm content to wait for it to arrive at the right time.

As for my plans on this day of romantic days: I dressed up today, I wore a sparkly new belt that my good friend Meredith gave me. Later, after the workday has ended, I'm going to hit the shops with Jo; we're each looking for a fun new accessory. Later, we'll go see an artsy movie with our mutual friend Daniel, who is also single today. We may or may not head to a local pub for dinner and drinks after the movie.

Is this what they call "living in the moment?"

Three good things:
1. I will be with fun people tonight so there's little chance of my mood taking a turn for the worse.
2. Can anyone say shopping?
3. I'm happy!

Monday, February 11, 2008


I'm under the weather, and so, at the risk of my "three good things" blog becoming a tarot card blog, here's a very low-energy effort at a post:

The Lovers card suggests that you have the courage to get involved, take a risk, consider a proposal or fall in love again. If you don't put yourself out there, you won't find what you seek. Make a choice to love or forgive. You could consider letting an outside party hook you up with a new prospect or rendezvous. Be aware, however, that giving into passion, temptation or lust could have consequences. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Whatever in the world does the week ahead hold for me?

Three good things:
1. I don't have to think much in order to post my tarot card - this is good for you, dear readers, since my brain is full of cotton.
2. By my having a moment to write even this minimal post it means I've made sufficient progress on my research paper to take a rest.
3. Things seem to be looking up, if you want to take advice from the cards ;)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Tarot Card...again

Another eerily accurate tarot card for today; it's quite reflective of my current state of being. Good thing knitting is tonight at the local pub so I can "spend time with friends and commune over drinks." I think I'll skip shaking my groove thing though, I'm a little sore from yoga.

**The Three of Chalices card suggests that you've worked hard to attain some level of success in your pursuit of happiness and love, but there will always be more to achieve. Take some time off to acknowledge your current success. Give yourself a pat on the back, spend time with your friends, commune over drinks or shake your groove thing without fear of being judged. Celebrate who and where you are right now without becoming bogged down by the end result of your search for love. Find reason to be joyful and grateful along the way. Revel in the pleasure and companionship of your peers, and indulge in the support of group empowerment without trying to make a love connection. You might find that you not only light up the room, but exude beauty, courage and confidence that make you more attractive and receptive to romance.**

Three good things:
1. More mysticism is always intriguing.
2. I get to see the all the knitting ladies tonight, which is always a good thing.
3. My mission today is to be happy with who I am and where I am. I like this assignment :)

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


My friend Georgiana has long espoused the benefits of yoga. She's compared the feeling after a good yoga session to the feeling one gets after a good 'roll in the hay,' so to speak. If only there was cuddling after yoga...

I had my first yoga class tonight, it was wonderful. My teacher is not at all intimidating, and it feels like she's talking to you directly during the class. I had very little trouble thinking about my breathing, my body, and just tuning in to myself. I almost cried twice with gratitude that I'd finally made it to yoga. After class I proceeded to wander dreamily through the market in my yoga pants, ski parka, and winter boots. I slung a basket over my arm and bought all kinds of healthy things, feeling rather good about myself.

Life is wonderful.

Three good things....hmmm, there's not a bad thing in here! Still:
1. Yoga is just as fulfilling as I'd hoped.
2. I am much stronger than I expected: mentally, physically, and spiritually.
3. Unrelated, but still good: my new glasses make it much nicer to drive, especially at night.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Super Tuesday and other news

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday; truly a wonderful and exciting day for us political wonks. I will have to resist the urge to check CNN every ten minutes. Clinton or Obama, Obama or Clinton...who the heck is Edwards going to come out for? Is he going to wait until after tomorrow and see where the chips fall? He has to have a better plan than that! I admit, I don't have strong feelings for the Republican race, I think McCain has it sewn up reasonably well.

Tomorrow is also my first yoga class. I'm really excited to begin yoga, it's something I've wanted to do for over a year. A car accident delayed my start-date, but it's finally here and I am looking forward to it immensely.

*Rant* I had a long weekend of discourse on systems thinking. I was frustrated by the poor behavior displayed by some of the people in the discussion. One person was literally poking their neighbor in the nose and giggling, and "passing notes" via laptop all day - this was not a kindergarten classroom. I had to try very hard to absorb the discussion because I was so mad that somebody would be that disrespectful. (do you see that I have a strong sense of injustice?) If you have something more important going on than being in class, then get up and freakin' leave!!!!!! I've done that, many times, and haven't suffered for it. Walking the line between "policing" the classroom and "tattling" on the person, I sent a message directly to them, asking if they were ok, that I'd notice they seemed really out of it during the discussion and it had been distracting. I hope they realize they were distracting more than their neighbor with their conduct. And, you know, that way if something was up that was legitimately distracting them, then I'm not being a total jerk about it while still making my point that it was really distracting. *Rant Over*

Three Good Things:
1. Yoga could eventually lead to my not being so upset by disrespectful behavior...all that inner peace.
2. I feel good that I didn't sit back and do nothing about the bad behavior.
3. I'm getting plenty of practice dealing with people who really annoy me.

Friday, February 1, 2008

**KERTHWAP!!** Holy Life Lesson Batman!

I received a blow to my self image yesterday, but I'm incredibly grateful for it. I'll keep this (relatively) short and say that I'm now able to define some not-so-wonderful things about myself that have been roiling around in a bothersome fog for several years. I knew they were in there, inside that fog, but I couldn't grasp hold of them in any meaningful or productive way and actually stop them from surfacing in my behavior.
The symbolism of the person through whom I received this message holding an umbrella and repeatedly tapping me on the leg when they made a particularly salient point was not lost on me. I've taken repeated emotional beatings in the past five years or so as a result of these issues, but never quite learned my lesson.
I really don't believe in "a god" but I do believe in some form of fate, or destiny. There are things we each need to learn in life, and you will keep on fumbling around and recreating the same situation in your life until you take the lesson to heart and change. Somehow being "beaten" with an umbrella was the appropriate symbolic gesture, along with some very frank yet caring conversation, to get through my fog. Boy, do I ever feel schooled.

Three good things:
1. I emphatically don't hate the messenger of my lesson, which is nice for a change.
2. I'm feeling rather enlightened, even though I know I have some hard work ahead.
3. The strange and symbolic and forceful way this came about blows my mind, which is pretty cool.